Be Assertive

Are there times when you wished you could say whatever you wanted to, but have found it extremely difficult to do so? That is mainly because you are not assertive.

Why are some people submissive?

Being submissive may be because of many reasons some starting even at early childhood. Observe a very young child of 1-2 yrs, they exhibit assertive behavior. It’s very difficult to make a small child do whatever he/she doesn’t want to do. So, what happens later on as they start growing up? We all grow up in a society and with lot of expectations centering our behavior. Our culture defines our behavior, what we ought to do and what not to do. There will be lot of pressure to conform to these expectations. Subsequently, we start suppressing ourselves. Generally people put aside their needs and try to do things, which may please others so that they are accepted in the group/ society/culture. This may in the long run lead to submissive behavior.

Mistaken assumptions which may lead to submissiveness:

1. It is selfish to put your needs before others' needs.
2. You should be flexible and adjust. Others have good reasons for their actions and it's not polite to question them.
3. When someone takes the time to give you advice, you should take it very seriously. They are often right
4. You should respect the views of others, especially if they are in a position of authority. Keep your differences of opinion to yourself. Listen and learn
5. You should always try to accommodate others.
We need to put conscious efforts to become assertive. Assertive behavior can be explained as follows:

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to say yes or no when you want to; it's the freedom to be yourself in all circumstances. An assertive style of behavior is to interact with people while standing up for your rights. Being assertive does not mean that all the time, things will go according to your ways but definitely has some benefits like : 1) you feel good about yourself 2) helps you create healthy and meaningful relationships. 3) you will feel more in control of the situations. 4) increases your self esteem and you will start respecting yourself.5) reduces stress and increases the overall well being.


There are different types of assertiveness:

1. Basic Assertion
This is a simple, straightforward expression of your beliefs, feelings, or opinions. It's usually a simple "I want" or "I feel" statement.
2. Empathic Assertion
This conveys some sensitivity to the other person. It usually contains two parts- recognition of the other person's situation or feelings, followed by a statement in which you stand up for your rights.
3. Escalating Assertion
This occurs when the other person fails to respond to your basic assertion and continues to violate your rights. You gradually escalate the assertion and become increasingly firm. It may even include the mention of some type of resulting action on your part, made only after several basic assertive statements.
4. I-Language Assertion
This is especially useful for expressing negative feelings. It involves a 3-part statement
When you do . . . (describe the behavior).
The effects are . . . (describe how the behavior concretely affects you).
I'd prefer. . . (describe what you want).
The real focus in I-Language Assertion is on the "I feel," "I want" part of the statement. When expressing anger, often the tendency is to blame the other person, fly off the handle and get caught up in the emotion.

Assertive rights of an individual:
Ø You alone have the power to judge and modify your thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
Ø You have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior.
Ø You may feel concern and compassion and good will for others, but you are neither responsible for it nor do you have the ability to create mental stability and happiness for others.
Ø You have the right to change my mind.
Ø You have the right to say, ``I don't know.''
Ø You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
Ø You have the right to put yourself first sometimes.
Ø You have a right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.
Ø You have a right not to always worry about the goodwill of others.
Ø You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation.

Assertiveness training:

Assertiveness training has a decades-long history in mental health and personal growth groups, going back to the women's movement of the 1970s. The approach was introduced to encourage women to stand up for themselves appropriately in their interactions with others, particularly as they moved into graduate education and the workplace in greater numbers. The original association of assertiveness training with the women's movement in the United States grew out of the discovery of many women in the movement that they were hampered by their inability to be assertive. Today, assertiveness training is used as part of communication training in settings as diverse as schools, corporate boardrooms, and psychiatric hospitals, for programs as varied as substance abuse treatment, social skills training, vocational programs, and responding to harassment.
Assertiveness training is a form of behavior therapy designed to help people stand up for themselves—to empower themselves, in more contemporary terms. Assertiveness is a response that seeks to maintain an appropriate balance between passivity and aggression. Assertiveness training promotes the use of "I" statements as a way to help individuals express their feelings and reactions to others. A commonly used model of an "I" statement is "when you _________, I feel ___________", to help the participant describe what they see the other person as doing, and how they feel about that action. "I" statements are often contrasted with "you" statements, which are usually not received well by others. For example, "When you are two hours late getting home from work, I feel both anxious and angry," is a less accusing communication than "You are a selfish and inconsiderate jerk for not telling me you would be two hours late." Prompts are often used to help participants learn new communication styles. This approach helps participants learn new ways of expressing themselves as well as how it feels to be assertive.

Some characteristics of an assertive person:

1.They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.
2.They know their rights.
3.They have control over their anger. It does not mean that they repress this feeling. It means that they control it for a moment and then talk about it later in a logical way.
4.They have a good understanding of feelings of the person with whom they are communicating.